My mother was…

….verbally abused from a young age.  Always being demanded of.  Insults would continue to fly and she’d have to watch as her father drank himself away and her mother became more and more bitter taking her frustrations out on her daughter.

When she became pregnant my father did what most would do….he asked her to marry him.  This was finally her opportunity to leave this Hellish life.

My father came from a very loving family.  His dad had died at an early age as a result of lung cancer but his mother carried on and loved her family immensely.

So when I was born….my father’s mother welcomed me and loved me and took care of me.  My mother’s mother did not…..and now that was strike one….my mother became bitterly jealous of the affection my dad’s family showed and hadn’t let this go….even 40 years later.

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Hurting….

…The flu has me flat on my back.  I think I might be over the worst of it, but it’s been a rough couple of days.

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Pretty sure….

….I’m pretty sure that God yells at people….He’s definitely been yelling at me!!  And it’s a very good thing!

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My mother

My mother was the middle daughter of three girls. She was born into an abusive and alcoholic family…the history goes way back. What is it about Eastern Europe that causes so many to become alcoholics…or is that just a generalization? Anyways….my Grandfather, who drank because of my abusive Grandmother was not a “good drunk” at the best of times. My Grandmother was one to cut your heart out with her tongue…or so I am told.

The eldest of the three daughters left home early. She did well though and married a good man, bought an apartment and raised a small family…..she continues to be the most “sane”.

The youngest put up with the garbage, but always had a positive and “happy go lucky” attitude…she was able to handle things.

I became my mother..

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You have no idea

You who looks at me with disbelief.  You who says “how could you”?  Don’t give me that “but she’s your mother” saying…. The damage has been done.  The damage was done years ago.  You have no idea what I’ve lived with….what I have to continue to live with.  I have no mother, not sure I ever did.  God however is struggling to keep me afloat.  I know this because if He wasn’t…..I’d have drowned a long time ago!

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I’m still here……

….just way too much going on…too much to go through, these last few days…..let me rest a day…I’ll be back.

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From the beginning

I will begin writing about my life, the abuse I grew up with and the love that I found.  Bit by bit, memory by memory…..I strive to overcome.

Conceived out of wedlock to a 19 year old girl and a 22 year old boy…I refer to them “girl and boy” because really…that’s what they were….I was born in the early part of the spring in 1967.

My parents met at a dance.  My mother lived with an alcoholic father, an unpleasant mother and both physical and verbal abuse, she was the middle of three daughters. The eldest was “the smart one”, she finished school, married a decent man and built a home.  The youngest married a wonderful individual and after my Grandmother passed in 1975, lived in the home my Grandfather built with her husband and two children….my Grandfather was sent to a detached building on the property to live out his life in a single room.  My mother was the rebellious one…smoking, drinking and partying, being promiscuous and looking for any reason to leave her life of “Hell”.  Her unplanned pregnancy was her ticket out.   But right from the start (according to her)….it was all a mistake….marrying into this family.

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Maybe I should clarify?

Perhaps I should’ve used the word “dependent”, rather than alcoholic.  But then they say that alcoholics will deny they have a problem and no one would know better about that than myself.  My father was an alcoholic until a massive intra-cranial stroke stopped him from lifting another glass.  My grandfather was an alcoholic until the day he died…at age 94.  My great-grandmother was an alcoholic, as was my uncle, my aunt as well….I pretty much just thought that it was the “norm”.  My uncle died of alcoholism, as did my mother-in-law.  Booze robbed them of the simple pleasures in life…like watching the grand-kids grow and missing out on the last grandchild.  When they drank though….they drank endlessly.

I have just become “dependent” on a couple of glasses of wine, each night.  It still takes away from a crisp, clean, fresh start in the morning but….it helps me to get to sleep.  I had a period of 6 months where I suffered through insomnia.  I would fall asleep after 30 minutes of tossing, only to be jolted wide-awake and unable to fall asleep again…..until 5 or so hours later.  Along with thoroughly enjoying the flavor….I feel that I just “need” it to help me sleep.  I think the stress in my life really doesn’t help the matter.

But really….I’m tired of this “need”.  I “need” to be with Jesus more.  I don’t want to feel the need for wine every night…. “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery.  Instead, be filled with the Spirit.” Ephesians 5:18

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What you don’t know about me….

I’m hesitantly clicking at the keys right now….because there’s something about me that you don’t know.

I’m an alcoholic.

There….I said it.

I’m a 40 year old, mother of three, alcoholic.  Now I’m not talking about the kind that drinks from morning till night…no….but I am the type that seems to feel the need to have a couple of glasses (big glasses) of wine each and every night so that she can cope with reality and fall asleep without a moments notice.   No one but myself sees me at the “end of the day”…..

I enjoy wine…really I do…but I think I take it to the extreme and…..I’ve been trying to “quit” for some time now……there’s just so much stress in my life….no excuse I know but…..it’s all I’ve got.

Did you know that my fil’s lungs are filling with fluid?  Did you know that my disabled father lives with us?  Did you know that my mother called me my father’s “whore”?  Or that I’m at my fil’s 3 times a day to give him his daily pills?  That I have 3 children to take care of…and one dog.  That I have a bookkeeping business from home….20 clients… That I’m worn out…exhausted.

That God is trying to tell me something…..and I haven’t quite gotten it figure out yet?

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So undeserving….

….of His love.  Well that’s what I struggle with and I’m sure it’s got alot to do with why I feel I just can’t give my “all” to Him.

People see me as such a loving and caring person.  I see myself as an anxious, mostly irritated, impatient not so “bright and cheery” person.  I hate that.

So much to be thankful for and yet….I just find I’m just “sitting on the sidelines”.

I’m going to write more, I need to write more….it’s been a crazy time though with my business and all….it’s all but consumed me….yet another thing to make me feel unworthy.  But I think I’ll be spending more time here.  I want to get to know myself a little better and maybe make a change or two.

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